Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With Survivor’s Guilt

The Onion ·
Entertainment Comedy United States

RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivor’s guilt. “Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why was I the only one spared?” said the pumpkin, lamenting the cruel randomness that had left […] The post Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With…

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